I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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