she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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