I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize