Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
