Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
