He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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