he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
