Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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