I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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