I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sober January is a disaster.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
