When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
