Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
