You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
