a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
