apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I believe in your delicious
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
