He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize