Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
