Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize