Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
