last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
