And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
