well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
