I think i peed on brittanys purse
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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