I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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