when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
