Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
