if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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