I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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