I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
