Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
