my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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