I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My ATM looks so different sober.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My life is pants optional.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
