ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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