Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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