So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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