Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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