At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
