I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
