If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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