i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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