soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize