We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
