I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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