It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
