After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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