either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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