I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
