i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
