and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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