Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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