The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
