I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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