Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
