I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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