I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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