And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
