Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
