his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
