Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
