i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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