Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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