I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
