Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
