dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
