they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize