Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
no, he came in my armpit
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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