nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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