I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
