eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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