Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
